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Write in recollection and amazement for yourself.
In the course of a lifetime, what will it matter?
A lot has changed, but it's been the greatest thing that's ever happened to me... so we wont even get into it.

Turns out Colorado isn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Granted I've only been here for two weeks, I'm sure I'll find something I don't like. On an even better note, I love being able to breathe better. Especially crisp, cold, air. After all, I adore cold weather and snow. Hah. But we'll see. It's supposed to get down in the low teens Thursday.

I've been looking at places up on the Olympic Peninsula around the Oregon/Washington area. Port Angeles and Port Townsend look simply amazing! I've also been looking around Boston and Baltimore. It's a hard decision but I suspect I'll flip through a few more places before I pick somewhere to settle down.
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I can't believe it's already one in the morning. Time seems to fly when I'm not working, seeing as that's pretty much all I do anymore. There are so many things I've wanted to write about the past few weeks but for some unknown reason, every time I sit at the computer, I decide against it. I've been very sick since Sunday... which means I've had a lot of time to think, I guess you should say. Between a bladder and sinus infection, amongst many others traveling throughout my body, I have managed to clean my house, decorate for the holidays and maintain at least a small amount of my sanity. While I admit the time off work has been great... I can't wait to go back.

I've been thinking a lot about my housing situation. My room mate (my best friend) seems to have trouble living with me. I clean every day and manage the house, but I'm batshit insane. I guess it's not a good idea for two crazy people to live together. I can never tell if he hates me or if he's happy to have me around. I notice him making little comments that really just kill me inside. Tonight he made a joke about being assertive because I asked him to get the waiters attention at dinner. Yes, I used to be very assertive but since my confidence level fluctuates so much... sometimes I find myself quite shy and reserved. He claims that I simply don't try anymore because I 'realized I could get him to do things for me'. Between him arguing with me about not letting him do things for me and him bitching that I ask too much, I'm not sure who's more difficult to live with. In the end, he's still my best friend... but sometimes it's hard. Maybe if I just don't speak to him... he'll realize that not everything that happens is my fault. But in the reality of things, he'll probably see this and flip out on me anyway.

:::insert lame 'I don't know what I'm doing with my life' rant here:::

I think I'm done for tonight. I'm far too easily distracted.
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Forword: I have two jobs... one of which is an adult video store.

Body: I was at work today, marking and placing our new movies out on the shelves. Now, I can handle a lot, as I have a strong stomach. Transexual porn, fine. Anal, fine. Black G-string booty, okay. But there is one thing I simply can NOT stand, and that is women who drink cum. Some of these covers are just so graphic and I can FEEL myself becoming ill. Guh!!! Made me realize I could never be one of those girls that swallow.

That is all.
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Happy Birthday to me.
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It's early and I haven't yet been to bed. I attended a random party last night in which I ended up in a room alone with a random guy... with so many things able to happen in such a vulnerable position I may have been a little leery. But no, none of that happened at all. I found a way to contact a good friend of mine that left for the Marines months ago... simply because of this random man. That's not to say he didn't try to get in my pants after the fact but I'm not about that at all. I got what I needed and I left. Promptly retiring to Denny's at 5 in the AM, I started thinking about all the things I wanted to tell Adam in this seemingly sentimental letter. But I just couldn't get a collaboration of decent thoughts. After breakfast... I came home and began writing. Draft after draft, explanation after explanation... I didn't know what to say to the kid. Had a few cups of coffee, few of my morning pills to keep me coherent... I tried again. I believe the outcome of the letter was much better than I'd originally anticipated... because by the time it came to walk it to the mail box, I didn't realize it was Sunday until I'd already dropped it in the morning box. *shrug*

After I left the letter, I set off on a walk through my entire apartment complex. It's been years since I've walked alone with nothing but my thoughts to myself. Even now, the things I've come up with aren't settling well enough for me to sleep. So, I bring you this entry... quite possibly the most honest thing I've written in ages.

As I walked, I noticed leaves falling from the trees. Something I'd never really taken the time to appreciate in this town seeing as we seemingly have no seasons at all. It's either really fucking hot or really fucking cold... no orange leaves, no snow, nothing... but as simple as it was, I had these dime sized leaves laying on the gravel ahead of me and something about it was just so peaceful... so beautiful... and so relaxing. I closed my eyes for a moment and took in a large breath of air, remembering as a child how I'd always wanted to live on a street lined with large trees, falling leaves, and beautiful flowers... I remembered most of the dreams I had as a child and realized that I've accomplished none of them. My heart sank, but I kept walking.

Retiring on the first step of my 3 story apartment, I sat... thinking more and more about my childhood... promises, and how I can never really seem to keep in contact with anyone. I made two phone calls, left one message and briefly spoke to someone that was entirely shocked by my call. I act so busy, but most times I find myself laying in random places with nothing to do. What is stopping me from calling that old friend just to say hello? Or even my best friend that I only talk to once a week? What is stopping me from holding on to these things I swear I'll never let go of but seem to just let fall through my fingers? God, I wonder how many people I've let down... how many people miss me as much as I miss them? And I do nothing about it. Is it pride? No. Is it forgetfulness? Maybe. Should I snap out of this slum and realize all the wonderful things/people around me? Yes.

I'm sitting on my balcony now. Why has it been so long since I've had a good writing experience? I wonder. How long has it been since I've let go... and danced like nobody's watching? Too long. I act like there is all the time in the world to do things. But realistically, there isn't. Our time is so limited that we are encouraged to live every moment of our life as our last. Well, what the hell have I been doing? Living like it's 1999 again? Okay... I wish. But shit... I know there's so little time, I know there are other things I should be doing but it just never happens.

Resting is a waste, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I've made so few right decisions in my life and so many wrong ones. How is it I was raised with so much moralistic value, and I'm still fucking up this much? I thought being successful on my own would do the trick, but no... I still need more. I need something else, something new, something unfamiliar... But what I really long for is the way things used to be. The only thing in life that mattered was the next time we were going to dance in a small kitchen, or go camping so we could play childish pranks. Where did the time go? And why do I still let it slip through my fingers so damn easily?


With my birthday only 3 days away, I'm excited for new things to come. A new chapter of my life has begun and there are many new surprises headed my way. I don't have the bleakest future in the world, so why am I so dissatisfied?

Someday, everything I have will be good enough... and I won't ask anymore questions. But in the meantime... walks in the morning are nice.

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Last night Brian got me a couch for my birthday. We stopped just to have a look and sales man just wouldn't leave us alone. After about an hour and a half of haggling with the guy, he offeres to sell it to us for $300. Brian asks the man to assure the price will still be $300 when we return. When we get back from the ATM with cold, hard, cash, the man tacks on an extra $40 for tax when he knew we would only be coming back with $300. Lame... So we get the couch in the livingroom and absolutely hate it... decide that we couldn't ask the company to take it back, that we would just list it for sale ourselves... and this is what happened.

At about one in the morning ie; 45 or so minutes ago, I got a call from a man claiming to be from New York interested in the couch. Well, I did not list my phone number in the ad, only an e-mail address. Come to find out it is the man from the furniture store prank calling us because he found our ad. So, let me get this straight the furniture store prank called ME? Isn't it supposed to be the other way? How fucking awesome am I for being on the receiving end of this?

God damn. What pricks. Man, I'm telling you... be careful where you buy your furniture.
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The events as of late have been uneventful. Between working, managing my store, home life, friends, and resurfacing emotions of past discrepancies... I suppose I've been okay. Life's a never ending struggle but I'd like to think I'm strong enough to climb to a steady glide.

With less than 3 days until I leave for VNV Nation, I feel stagnant. I really need this trip and with it being a band that's done so much for my life in the past, I don't see how it could be bad.

A few days ago I went with Brad to pick up his cat from the shelter. While we were waiting for the paperwork to process some Hispanic lady came in with a soaking wet bag with two kittens in it. Turns out she put them in there to take them to the shelter when she noticed they were dirty, then she proceeded to spray them with a hose. As she walked up behind me to turn them over, the lady quickly stopped her with forms and a 15 minute waiting time. Sure, this lady was clearly incompetent and wanting nothing to do with any of this. She exclaims that she has a time limit and needs to leave right away. When the counter woman told the Hispanic lady there is nothing she can do and it's not her problem that she can't wait... the bitch went into hysterics. "I'll just leave them in a box in the middle of the fucking road, THEN IT'LL BE YOUR PROBLEM!". Surely she doesn't think any of us are going to stand of this. As she storms out of the shelter, I chase her and take the kittens.

While I felt great about what I did, my room-mate didn't. He flipped out, even after I explained the circumstances, claiming he makes no decisions around here and went on and on about how I don't have the right to bring strange animals into the house. So, the next day... I gave up the kittens and my cat that I've had for 13 years. The house feels empty to me now and nothing like home. But hey, trials and tribulations... it's all a part of growing, learning, living, and becoming.

Tomorrow will be better. I refuse to let things keep me down anymore. That's not the person I want to be.

Current Mood: angry angry

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When I woke up this morning I pretty much figured it would be a boring day. It's my day off, so naturally I didn't wake up until 11. Once I finally got my shit together, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few house-hold items. Again, this seems pretty boring, right? Wrong. As I'm strolling around thinking to myself which cereal would be better I look to my left and see a cute old (maybe in their 80's) couple. Alright, now... I don't know about you but I try to be cordial. So, I'm pushing my cart and as soon as the woman makes eye contact with me, I smile. After her husband looks at me like I have 5 heads, the woman lets go of the cart and throws her fists in the air as if I tried to eat her six children.. My heart skips a beat as I pass her wondering if somehow the oatmeal I'd eaten for breakfast fixed itself into a portrait of satan on my teeth.

Three cookies and the yoohoo in my freezer says she was two crayons short of a middle class restaraunt.

Current Mood: thirsty thirsty

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My name is Sarahfina... and as far as most people know, I'm dead. I woke up one morning, changed my e-mail address, changed my alias names, my phone number, and moved across town. I've been through more in the past year of my life than I'd ever imagined. I'm a low scale manager at local shop in the ghetto. I have multiple ridiculous medical illnesses and no health insurance. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I live a very minuscule life. I wake up, shower, go to work, come home, cook dinner, pay bills and go to bed at a decent hour. I'm a quote generator and my friends mean the world to me. I enjoy sitting in my empty bedroom, in my quaint, white walled, apartment with my spectacular (red-dog-eating-communist-polygamist-atheist) room-mate. I have a Don Quxote painting above my wood burning fireplace and all of my fixtures are backwards. Hot is cold and cold is hot... It may not seem like much but I'm happy.
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